Cast of Characters

McDougal…………………………… Director of accounting for the Patterson Ad Agency

DeSoto……………………………….. McDougal’s secretary

Higgins……………………………….. a bean-counter

Connelly……………………………… another bean-counter

Van der Graaf………………………. another bean-counter

Stradlater…………………………….. another bean counter

Patterson……………………………… chief executive of the Patterson Ad Agency. His office is one floor above everybody else’s.

Time

A Friday morning, earlier this year.

Place

Fifth floor of the main office building of an advertising agency.

Setting

It is the end of the week in a contemporary office environment. Most employees are content with their jobs, although they also feel that there is a lot of drudgery to office work. Lately, an odd string of thefts on the fifth floor has left the workers feeling uneasy.

Scene 1

An elevator opens. A handful of employees walk out into an office setting and go to their desks and cubicles. As they do so, they greet each other with “good mornings.”

STRADLATER

Working here used to be not so bad. What the heck is going on with all our missing stuff? I mean, so far it’s just a few office supplies and baubles and what not, but what if it gets worse?

HIGGINS

Yeah. I don’t know how this started or who started it, but it’s gone way too far. Management should do something. I’m going to talk to the VP about all this. Right now.

VAN DER GRAAF

(Aside) It looks like the walls are closing in. This all started with me trying to maneuver Connelly out of the picture for my promotion. Maybe I’ve gone too far.

CONNELLY

(Aside) Van der Graaf is still here. Maybe I haven’t gone far enough. Time to really do something bold. Snatching that audit report they’ve been working on all month ought to do the trick.

(CONNELLY notices that MCDOUGAL, the VP, is occupied, talking to Higgins. Sneaks into MCDOUGAL’S office, finds a huge binder marked “Annual Audit,” and makes his way back to his own office.)

CONNELLY

Today, Patterson & Associates Advertising, accounting division! Tomorrow, the world!

Scene Two

(Fifth floor, same day, an hour later).

MCDOUGAL

Secretary! Can I see you in my office in a minute?

DESOTO

Of course. I’ll be right in. (Enters McDougal’s office, closes the door)

MCDOUGAL

I’ll get right to the point. We have a problem. The Annual Audit our division has been working on for weeks? It’s gone. I can’t find it anywhere.

DESOTO

What? But we all worked hard on that, like, forever. What happened?

MCDOUGAL

I don’t know. I need you to help me find it.

DESOTO

What can I do?

MCDOUGAL

For now, just ask around and find out if anyone’s seen it. Maybe somebody picked it up? By accident? Meanwhile, I’ll call a meeting and see if we can’t get everyone to redo their spreadsheets and reconstruct the report.

DESOTO

But that might take days!

MCDOUGAL

We need it now. This is the only thing I can do. Thanks. (Steps out of his office.) Can I have everybody’s attention, please?

(All the accountants look up from their cubicles.)

MCDOUGAL’S

We have a huge problem. Our audit’s gone. I need it re-written.

(All the accountants gasp in their cubicles.)

HIGGINS

But we worked on that for weeks!

MCDOUGAL

Shut up, Higgins. If we don’t do the audit, the Board will send investigators.

HIGGINS

Bring ‘em on! Plenty of things need investigating around here.

MCDOUGAL

Who said that?

(CONNELLY and VAN DER GRAAF point to each other. HIGGINS points at DESOTO.)

MCDOUGAL

Shut up, Higgins. When they investigate, they’ll find out what it is we really do down here.

CONNELLY

Which is what, exactly?

MCDOUGAL

Shut up, Connelly. Nobody knows what we do, and I’d like to keep it that way. So hop to it people. Get this report done asap.

Scene Three

(It is lunchtime. VAN DER GRAAF, HIGGINS, and STRADLATER sit around a table, playing cards.)

VAN DER GRAAF

How was your vacation?

STRADLATER

It was grand! I’d never been to the west coast before. Look what I brought back! (Digs into her purse and produces two snow globes, one from Los Angeles and one from San Francisco).

HIGGINS

This is the best hand ever. Looks like I win! (Places his cards on the table.)

VAN DER GRAAF

No, actually this is the best hand ever. I win! (Places his cards on the table.)

(HIGGINS gets mad, begins to yell unintelligibly. HENNESSEY

tries to plead with HIGGINS to calm down. In the confusion, VAN DER GRAAF quickly takes the snow globes off the table and puts them in his pocket).

HIGGINS

I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so on edge. I just keep losing all this stuff. It feels like my things just fly out of the room whenever they want.

(VAN DER GRAAF exits. A card falls out of his sleeve as he leaves.)

STRADLATER

I know what you mean. I try not to let it get to me.

HIGGINS

You do always keep your cool. What’s your secret?

STRADLATER

Xanax. Want one?

HIGGINS

I was afraid you would never ask! I can’t find mine.

STRADLATER

That explains an awful lot.

Scene Four

(CONNELLY’S cubicle, just after the lunch hour. While Higgins stands around just at the cubicle’s entrance, CONNELLY sits at his computer, working on spreadsheets).

HIGGINS

Something is fishy around here.

CONNELLY

What do you mean?

HIGGINS

It’s not just me. Everyone in the office has been having stuff come up missing lately. The other day it was Stradlater and her coffee mug. Today it’s her snow globes. Before that, it was her potted plant. What gives?

CONNELLY

A potted plant?

HIGGINS

Clearly, someone is messing with us. I talked to the bosses about it, but I don’t think they really care. We need to do something (Exits).

(DESOTO enters).

DESOTO

Hey Connelly, I need a favor.

CONNELLY

Sure. What’s going on?

DESOTO

Well, we have to present our audit to the VP today, and we can’t seem to find the report.

CONNELLY

So I’ve heard. Shouldn’t McDougal have it?

DESOTO

No. We think it’s been misplaced (Trips over a potted plant placed behind a stack of papers). You’ve got a lot of stuff piling up in your office these days. No chance the report is somewhere in here?

CONNELLY

Feel free to look around, I guess.

DESOTO

Is that a new hat you’ve got there? It really clashes with your jacket.

CONNELLY

Um. But it brings out my eyes.

DESOTO

If you say so.

(DESOTO gives the cubicle a once over, but nothing strikes her. She leaves and goes to HIGGINS’ cubicle.)

DESOTO

So. I was wondering about something. Did I hear you say you’ve had some of your things stolen this week?

HIGGINS

(Snorts) Is that what you heard?

DESOTO

I thought I did. Maybe we could help each other.

HIGGINS

Oh, I’m sure you have no problem helping yourself.

DESOTO

Whoa, down boy. I think you’re getting ahead of me. Can you explain what you mean?

HIGGINS

Oh I think you know what I mean.

DESOTO

I’m pretty sure I don’t know what you mean. What do you mean?

HIGGINS

You and our boss must be getting a real kick out of watching the rest of us scamper around, frazzled and frayed.

DESOTO

Wrong, Higgins. Some of us are just as frazzled and frayed as you are. Whatever. Could you just make sure you’re done on time?

HIGGINS

Whatever.

DESOTO

Whatever.

HIGGINS

Hey, what ever happened to my fancy hat? Oh who cares; that Xanax is finally kicking in.

(Not hearing him, DESOTO leaves, walks to VAN DER GRAAF’S cubicle).

DESOTO

So. Whatcha got going on in here?

VAN DER GRAAF

I’m putting cover sheets on my TPS reports.

DESOTO

(Picks up bottle on the desk) I didn’t realize you were on medication.

VAN DER GRAAF

(Takes the bottle from her) Oh that? Those are just vitamins.

DESOTO

I’ll bet they are. Oh look. I didn’t know you like to travel (picks up a pair of snow globes from VAN DER GRAAF’S desk).

VAN DER GRAAF

Just to those two cities. Lovely ones.

DESOTO

Look, Van der Graaf. The jig is up. I know what’s going on.

VAN DER GRAAF

(An ace of spades falls out of his sleeve). All right; ya got me. I cheat at cards. I play on my lunchbreak. Don’t tell anyone. Here are your TPS reports. Okay, thanks, bye.

(DESOTO shakes her head and leaves).

VAN DER GRAAF

This is a fine mess. I’ll have to throw her off my scent ASAP, and hopefully on to Connelly’s. (Patterson, the company’s chief executive, walks by the cubicle. Sensing an opportunity, Van der Graaf quickly pilfers Patterson’s phone, which is hanging on his belt). Now to stash it in Connelly’s office and make sure someone finds it.

Scene Six

PATTERSON is walking around on the floor. He stops to talk to HIGGINS, then CONNELLY. Meanwhile, DESOTO and MCDOUGAL can see him from MCDOUGAL’S office.

DESOTO

Uh oh. Look who’s coming. I still haven’t found the report. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m pretty sure Van der Graaf had something to do with it.

MCDOUGAL

Excellent work. I’ll deal with him.

DESOTO

That Higgins is also up to something. Best do something about him too.

(PATTERSON enters MCDOUGAL’S office, with VAN DER GRAAF in tow).

PATTERSON

I’ve just received a complaint about office supplies missing. What’s going on in this office?

MCDOUGAL

Uh, this is the first we’ve heard about it sir. I’ll look into it right away! We’re getting the audit ready for you to look at.

PATTERSON

That was supposed to have been ready by now! What is it you guys do down here, anyway?

MCDOUGAL

Many important things! Don’t worry; we’re just running some final checks. The report will be ready for you very soon. I promise.

PATTERSON

Well, that’s great. Now I’ve got to call and tell the entire board of directors their yearly audit is still not ready. (Searches pockets for his phone). What happened to my Blackberry?

VAN DER GRAAF

We’ll find it, sir! I’ll call it from the desk phone.

(Ringing is heard. They follow the sound, through corridors and cubicles. At length, they come into CONNELLY’S office. His arms are full of papers. Connelly is momentarily surprised by the ringing cellphone in his desk drawer. He quickly silences it, then picks up his own phone.)

CONNELLY

Hey everyone! I’ll be right with you in a second. I’ve really got to take this. (Into the phone) Hi snookums! I wuv you very much!

(A lengthy pause ensues, as nobody knows how to react).

PATTERSON

Of course. Sorry to disturb you. Everybody else,back to work!

Scene Seven

(A poorly lit conference room. Connelly and VAN DER GRAAF sit at opposite sides of a table, with MCDOUGAL standing over them. All of the items stolen this week are piled in front of him, on the table.

MCDOUGAL

A hat. Five points to Van der Graaf. A coffee mug; another five to Van der Graaf. Bennett’s potted plant. Five points to Connelly. A deck of trick cards. Interesting; ten points to Van der Graaf. Snow globes; not particularly my style, but I’ll bet the sentimental value on these is sky high.

VAN DER GRAAF

I agree.

MCDOUGAL

Glad that’s settled. Twenty points to Van der Graaf. Valium? Really? Valium? And by the label, it’s Higgins’. Twenty points to Van der Graaf. The boss’s Blackberry. Thirty points to Connelly.

VAN DER GRAAF

No fair! I stole that.

MCDOUGAL

Then how’d Connelly get it?

VAN DER GRAAF

I tried to get him caught. It was a complicated maneuver. Unfortunately for me, it seems to have backfired.

CONNELLY

(Chuckling) It sure did. With a bit of quick thinking, I turned it into a score. I am a genius.

MCDOUGAL

Shut up, Connelly. Brilliant move by the way. (To VAN DER GRAAF.) What can I say, kid. Possession is nine-tenths of the game.

CONNELLY

It sure is.

MCDOUGAL

Patterson’s Annual Audit Report. Thirty points to Connelly again. Nice job on that heist, by the way. God I hate working here. I’ve always thought Patterson was a total jerk. What do you think?

CONNELLY

I agree.

MCDOUGAL

Glad that’s settled. Anyway, it looks like you win Connelly. Sixty-five points. The promotion’s yours.

(Suddenly, DESOTO stumbles into the room, disheveled. She and PATTERSON are embracing and making googly eyes at each other.)

DESOTO

I am so glad this week is over. (Kisses Patterson, then turns around). What the hell? I thought everyone had gone home. Wait, what’s going on here?

MCDOUGAL

(To CONNELLY and VAN DER GRAAF) Gentlemen! I guess the game’s over. You two are fired. Have a great weekend!